November 03, 2005

My Kids Father

My kids, the big ones, the ones I got long after they were babies, are off to see their father retire. How can this be? How is it that they have another parent? Yes, I know. He fathered them. But he usually remains an abstraction in my life. He just isn't a part of the day to day functioning of the house.

We are awkward together. I sleep with and love his ex. I spend time with his kids. I see them differently than he does...but at the same time...we both are left to play back up to their mother. When it comes down to it, she has always made the calls when it comes the the children. This I am sure is regardless of what point in time she has been in with their father. So when their father and I chat, it is always about the children. We both babble about how amazing they are, how much we love them. But I think what we are really babbling about is what a fine job their mother does with them despite the fact that neither of us is entirely comfortable with the latitude she gives the children. We see it works, but we don't see how to do it successfully or we don't want to see it.

Sigh. I was going to ramble about the big kids and how I am jealous of their father for getting a parent title even though it feels like he does so little to earn it. I was going to ramble about how amazing these big kids of mine are and how I wish they were really mine. How I wish they really needed an extra parent. Instead I exist in that strange zone between friend and parent. I am not quite the "my mom's new partner" who has nothing to do with them but not a parent or even step-parent. Yeah, I know, they have enough parents already and titles shouldn't matter. And in the end, I will still have a million moments with these children. Not the first word, first step moments, but first period, first car. And damn it, falling in love with these kids for who they are and who they are becoming.


Denise said...

Is this some freaking jaydi thing you've got going on here? Because last time I checked Miss Michelle happily and sort of proudly (even when she's annoyed with you) calls you her mom. And Chris, well you know how Chris sees you. Jenn is something else entirely and always will be, she's a grown up and has been since you entered our world.

Get a grip. This is just nuts. And if you don't get a grip I'm going to call them both and tell them that they are no longer to consider you anything except that weird woman who lives in their house.

Jealousy doesn't suit you and it doesn't suit me at ALL.

TW said...

Its a territory thing babe. I am territorial. Remember? Yeah, I know you hate that but shrug.